War of Terror anniversary!

The Onion is doing a recap of all their best Iraq War stories in "celebration" of the four year anniversary of winning the war, so I thought I'd do the same here.

Iraq officially runs out of people
BAGHDAD, Iraq – A landmark moment was reached in President George W. Bush's self-proclaimed war on terror today as the last of Iraq's citizens were killed in a suicide blast outside of the capital city.

The blast was actually one of three that were conducted almost simultaneously by suicide bombers, rumored to be the last bombers left in the country.

Sixty people were also rumored to be dead; the last 6o Iraqis of the more than 3 million that had called the country home when it was ruled by Saddam Hussein.

There was initially one survivor of the blasts, an Ali Ababwa of Baghdad, but he later smothered himself in a hospital bed upon learning from a nurse that U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld would be visiting the capital.

Back in Washington, D.C., President Bush declared victory in Iraq and asked that all Americans who made less than $50,000 a year make a sacrifice by shouldering a new tax so that more freedom could be brought to Libya, North Korea, and Syria.

"With the population of Iraq now resting comfortable and free beneath the ground or in pieces around the squares and marketplaces of Baghdad, Fallujah and Basra, I think it's fair to say this time around that major combat operations in Iraq are over," Bush said.

Rumsfeld also chimed in on the day's success with a press conference from Baghdad.

"With nation building exercises you are often left with the country you have left, and not a country you would like to have; and I would just like to reassure the American people that when we do this before the 2006 midterm elections all the kinks will have been worked out.

"And I ask all those critics in the media: How much more free and safe can a country be when there are no people to cause crime or blow up the innocent?" Rumsfeld said.

With the villages and cities of Iraq now officially devoid of a native populace, many analysts are asking what will happen to country's infrastructure, vast oil fields, and terrorist theme parks.

Already, it would seem, those questions are being answered as several groups have set up shot in and around the Green Zone of central Baghdad.

FOX News has set up a permanent bureau in Baghdad, and a spokesman there said Sean Hannity has indeed set up a mobile studio inside the infamous Abu Ghraib torture rooms.

"He said he likes the smell," the spokesman said.

President Bush declares war on Centaurs
MOUNT OLYMPUS – The inhabitants of this mythological mountain community were up in arms today following a declaration of war made by President George W. Bush in his State of the Union Address on Tuesday.

During a passage on the outright banning of human cloning, the president added a scathing caveat that the United States would not stand for the creation of "human-animal hybrids."

The effects of the president's remarks could be felt immediately more than half a world away as a gathering of centaurs, cherubs and Minotaurs who had assembled at Zeus' palatial mountain top vista erupted into fiery protests that included the ritual sacrifice of several lambs.

"Am I any less of a man simply because half of me is a horse?" the centaur Proliphocles screamed to the heavens.

But the Bush Administration was relentless with its policy that the legendary beasts of Olympus be eradicated from the face of the earth.

"Centaurs are a direct threat to the national security of our country and they weren't in the Bible," a release from the White House, written in crayon, said.

Centaurs are a fierce species of half-man, half-horse that are notoriously ill-mannered and prone to alcoholism. The centaurs are a battle-hardened race thanks to an ancient war with their half-brothers, the Lapiths, who were eradicated by the centaurs after they allegedly hid a large stockpile of Tankards of Egregious Inebriation (TEIs) in a secret network of underground taverns.

CIA: New Osama tape is audition for American Idol
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The CIA is reporting today that the ominous audio tape purportedly recorded by al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden is actually nothing more than a tardy audition tape for FOX's runaway talent show hit American Idol.

A CIA spokesman who had been briefed on the authenticity of the tape said in a press conference today that earlier reports of threats against the U.S. had been misinterpreted.

"Osama bin Laden, in what we have learned is his absentee American Idol audition, only threatens to sweep America's hearts with his soulful renditions of 'Baby got back' and a piece he had written himself during a particularly long stay under the ground last year," the spokesman said.

Even though the tape arrived after the competition had officially begun -- and therefore disqualified bin Laden -- it did not stop the show's bombastic cast of judges from commenting on what they had heard on the tape.

American Idol's outspoken "bad boy" judge Simon Cowell lambasted the infamous Saudi, not only for his tardiness in submitting his audition, but for an aparent lack of effort from the most wanted man on the planet.

"There is absolutely no heart in this recording. The man sounds like he's been living in a cave for the past three years." Cowell said.

Former 80's pop singer and fellow Idol judge Paula Abdul said she wept when she listened to the recording at the FOX studios in Los Angeles.

"No one can say 'American infidel dogs' like Osama can," Abdul said.

The third Idol judge, music producer Randy Jackson, did not shy away from his signature style of critique even as he listened to a poinant and heart-felt passage where bin Laden called for the boiling of all Israeli children in oil.

"Osama, man, you my dog," Jackson said.

Host Ryan Seacrest said he would have been intrigued to see how bin Laden would have resonated with fans of the show.

"Last year it was all country and rock and roll. This season I think it would have been interesting to see how terrorosim and mass murder would have played within the dynamic of the show.

"Regardless, we sure could use a real bad boy and not some quaffed up poof like Cowell."